Animal (2014) Movie Review

Unfortunately, I had high hopes for this one. I assumed that with the likes of Keke Palmer and Joey Lauren Adams on board, this wouldn't be a complete train wreck. Well, I was wrong.

 

The best part about this entire movie is the creature design. It rocked. It's one of the reasons the movie hit my radar to begin with. I have no idea how that fucking thing chews and swallows when it has no back teeth and can't close its mouth properly, but it damn sure looks cool. Props for originality in a time of lax creativity. This is why your ass got two stars instead of one. 

 

Now, let me tell you why the rest of your movie is shit.

 

1. Joey Lauren Adams was completely wasted as the "I can't survive without my man!" character. I know she had some lines in this movie, but I don't remember a single one of them. Mostly is was her clinging to the arm of Beardy McStuddhammer. 

 

2. Every demographic was tapped so that the filmmakers could successfully upset and not upset every person on the face of the earth at the same time. Gay character? Check. Hispanic? Check. Black? Check (x2, and one of them still dies first). Tough chick? Check. Titty Titterson? Check. Cock of the Walk? Double check. The only character type this didn't have was a Nazi dwarf Eskimo from Canada. 

 

3. You have this Douglas character who refuses to open the door to let survivors in, but has no problem opening the door to chuck a dead guy outside. This is stupid. That is all.

 

4. Remember how up there in #2 I mention Titty Titterson? Yeah, well having a female who runs around the whole movie with her shirt half unbuttoned for absolutely no reason makes you look like a bunch of pervs. You did it for the teenage boy demographic, I get it, but at least give us a good reason for her breasts to be hanging out. 

 

5. Predator logic. As in logic from the movie Predator. Rubbing mud and twigs and shit all over your body does not mask your smell. You still smell like you, but now you smell like you AND mud, twigs, and shit.

 

6. Pregnancy used as character development. We find out three-quarters of the way through the movie that one of the female leads is preggers. Up until that point, we have no reason to give a fuck whether she lives or dies. I hate this lazy-ass storytelling device. It's used constantly in horror films and I'm tired of it. Give us a good reason to care about these women other than the fact that they can successfully procreate. 

 

7. Dumbfuck characters that don't know body parts when they see them. You have this lady stumble upon a fucking foot. A goddamn foot out in the middle of the woods. This is not normal. It's a goddamn foot. Nothing else in the forest looks like a human foot. Not rabbits. Not woodchucks. Not lions or tigers or bears. This chick acts like she's never seen a fucking foot before. "Oh, lemme check this shit out. That looks strange..." IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING FOOT! But no, it isn't until she finds the rest of the corpse strung about some bushes that she finally screams. Fuck you, movie. Fuck you very much.

 

I think seven reasons is enough. There is more, but I'm going to stop here. I really wanted to like you Animal. I did. You coulda been a contender. 

 

In summation: If you don't mind the stupidity I mentioned above, watch Animal while you're intoxicated. Alcohol, drugs, goat's milk... I don't care, but make sure you're under the influence of something. Take a drink, injection, or snort every time you see needless cleavage or the gay guy flails about like a wacky waving flailing inflatable arm guy. You won't be able to stand up after twenty minutes. It's on Netflix, and you're only going to waste 81 minutes of your life. 

 

Final Judgment: I prefer my Animal behind a drum kit, or IT'S A FUCKING FOOT!