The Brothers Crunk - William Pauley Iii

The writing here was just plain boring. I don't know how many of you have read a television or movie script, but to those of you who have, you know how undescriptive and tedious they are to read? How they tell you the story instead of showing you? This is because they plan on showing you the action and scenery in the film/show. 


This book was written like a script in prose form, and I can't image a more banal way of writing a novel; for the reader OR the writer. About halfway through the book, the author even gives you a character sheet instead of taking the time to describe his new characters. I couldn't help but think, "Well, that's fucking lazy." To those of you unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, this is a list of characters, their appearance, motivations, personalities. As such:


BOB: Bob's an ugly mother with no teeth and a daddy complex. Bob strips at a club in Utah to support his ever-growing need for frog's legs. Bob wears chinos and knee high socks when he's not riding the pole. He's five feet tall and has a slight paunch. Oh, and his penis is inverted.


I cannot give you an actual excerpt of this writing. The book is so short I might get sued for plagiarizing the author. But the above nonsense is pretty damn close. 


I went into this expecting weird and imaginative, and I got a health dose of both, but it could have been so much more had I been able to envision this world. Everyone in this tale does this or that with no emotional response to anything. The main character cries over his lost brother but there was no impact. He might as well have been blubbering over spilling his Starbucks. The accents of the characters are inconsistent. The titular characters are suppose to speak in cockney but the only difference pointed out is the way they say 'ere instead of here. And as any American who's ever watched a Guy Ritchie film knows, cockney goes a little deeper than that. 


If this is what the Bizarro genre is, count me out. 


If any of you have recommendations for a really good bizarro book (aside from John Dies at the End and its sequels) drop the title in the comments. Thanks in advance.