Lornographic Material

I would like to preface this review by saying that I am tired of movie posters that have nothing to do with the movie. There's no ghost women in Neverlake. That's not the house in the movie. In fact, there isn't a house on the lake at all. There's no creepy heart-stealing water wench. Even the tagline "Death lies below" is a crock of shit. Life lies below. Because the lake has healing powers. But, fuck it, let's get on with this review

I watched this for one reason and one reason only. I read an article wherein a bit of douchebaggery was allegedly brought to light. It seems that direct-to-video content creators have banded together to downvote their competition's movies on the Flix of the Net. Shitty, right? Basically, this article stated that many of the one- and two-star movies on Netflix (mostly the slew of horror films clogging the drain over there at Hulu's much prettier sister) aren't all that bad. In fact, allegedly, some of them are pretty fuckin' good, but these douchewaiters have been shitting in their cornflakes. Whatever. So I started with the only movie on this list of bullied films that sounded interesting: Neverlake. Now, I'm not sharing this article I speak of because, after having watched Neverlake, I believe the article I read was written by someone who was paid to write said article, or one of the producers of the film. I cannot prove this, but only someone with a vested interest in this garbage would have wrote the post I read.

I'm not going to go into a great amount of detail, but I will be transferring my notes on the movie from my legal pad to this digital realm. I think the notes are a) funnier than any review I could have written, b) far better than this movie ever even tries to be, and c) more coherent than anything that happens in this film. If you have ninety minutes of free time and nothing better to do, watch this film with my notes as a kind of travel companion. Should be fun. No alcohol required. Shall we begin?

Who takes pills from a stranger?

Wait... the blind girl is giving directions to the girl who can see? If the blind girl knows where she's going, why the fuck did the other girl have to walk her home?

Oh great, another film that assumes all sick children are scary just because they look sickly.

Edward Cullen is in this movie?

Mermaids???

Father keeps leaving daughter places so he can have secret meetings with evil people... or something. Why does he keep taking her places only to tell her to wait where she is until he comes back? And when he does come back, they fucking leave! What's the point of bringing her???

The music in this movie is horrible. 

Edward Cullen character just asked the teenage girl if she's scared of him. I'm expecting this exchange next:

"Say it." Broods.

"Vampire." Shrugs, twitches, swipes hair behind ear.

Surprise surgery!

Is that a motherfuckin' medusa mermaid???

Yup, that's a motherfuckin' medusa mermaid.

Discount Christopher Lee is a shit actor, and so is every kid actor in this film. 

So, Discount Christopher Lee just left the keys to his super secret off-limits room on the table while he took a phone call in the other room???

The blind girl keeps looking at people.

This chick JUST had surgery to remove one of her kidneys and she has no bandages or pain???

Holy shit! The music played over the chase scene at the end is "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy". 

Who the fuck called the cops??? What? Huh? Main chick was in the lake. Discount Christopher Lee was drowned by the medusa mermaid, and the side chick was crying over dead girl. Who. The fuck. Called the cops?

Oh good. Edward Cullen and main chick were related. Incest vibes are creepy, yo. 

In summation: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE. It's not the victim of some bully campaign. It truly is a shit film. And if you run across that article, tell 'em to fuck off, and then tell 'em E. sent you. Everyone involved in this disaster should have their careers neutered. No more babies. Please, for the love of all things cinematic, no more babies.

Oh, and it gets two stars instead of one because some of the cinematography was pretty.