Lornographic Material

Despite the halfway decent special effects, this was a pretty shit movie. The humor is groan worthy throughout, but I'm sure it's supposed to be. I simply hate movies that try to be shit just so you'll laugh at how shit it is. The near-constant jokes about Mexicans are okay because the film's director is Hispanic. At least, I assume that's why it's okay. In my opinion, none of the racial-stereotype stuff was funny. Not even the Antoine Dobson spoof. 

The plot revolves around the government having created a big ass spider on accident because they were trying to create big ass tomatoes. Not making that up. That's actually what happens. Well, after they can no longer contain the big ass flub, they allow the day to be saved by a Big Ass Exterminator and Mexican Robin. Because he's Mexican and he's a sidekick. No shit, they literally call that Mario-Bros-looking dude on the poster Mexican Robin. 

I continued to watch because, as with all big ass monster movies, I wanted to know how they take down the freak of nature. I was not disappointed. "We gotta shoot it in the butt," will go down as my favorite kill-line ever. B-movie gold. But that one line is not enough to save this pile of groans.

You will come across some of the worst scenes ever stamped on celluloid, and you will laugh. Not because it's legitimately funny, but because you feel bad for everyone involved. This is definitely a "We're laughing at you and not with you" situation. You know a movie's utter crap when they have to resort to scantily clad women playing volleyball to take your mind off of how shit the acting is. 

Notation time! This is where I transfer notes from my legal pad into this digital realm. There's a lot of them this time around, so buckle in and enjoy the ride. Shall we?

Is this is a SyFy Original Movie? I think it is. If it's not, it should be.

Hey, aren't you the dude from Condemned: Criminal Origins?

Yup. That's a big ass spider.

Hey, aren't you the landlady from Kingpin? *insert cunninglinguist reference*

Did she really just squeeze his man-tits?

Seth Macfarlane wrote this movie, didn't he?

Wait... what? Why are the lights flickering?

Wow, awkward humor is awkward.

I'm pretty sure present-day hospitals don't work on the barter system. 

Actual dialogue:

"Where does this vent go?"

"Through the building."

Character who asked "Where does this vent go" is perfectly all right with the answer he receives. 

There's no way that fat dude is crawling through that vent... Never mind, I guess those vents grow to suit the people crawling inside them.

No cell phones allowed in the hospital? Yeah, right. Myth, dude. Try telling doctors that cell phones aren't allowed in hospitals, or nurses... or any hospital staff for that matter.

Discount Peter O'Toole.

Is that Cami from Street Fighter?

Discount Tupac and Antoine Dobson.

Is that motherfuckin' Lloyd Kaufman? (If you know who that is, you'll know why him being in this movie is worth mentioning.)

At this point, this fuckin' spider is 6 feet tall. How in George Clooney's hairy scrotum is it sneaking up on people in an open park in the middle of Los Angeles?

... Make that 10 feet tall. No... six feet... no twenty feet... no... six... FUCK IT!

LMAO! Those special effects tho!

Did Michael Bay direct this? 

Call of Duty!!!

They managed to rip of Alien, Predator, and Charlotte's Web with this spider design. That, my friends, is fucking impressive.

Sigh... The Mexican security guard comes charging into battle to the tune of Mariachi music. I don't know if that's racist or not, but it damn sure wasn't funny.

Sorry, but how did they get a camera in that building? 

Convenient rocket launcher is... Seriously? There's a fuckin' rocket launcher just sitting in the back of this SUV??? 

Could this actress look any more disgusted by having to kiss her fat costar?

In summation: This isn't Sharknado. It's not so bad it's worth watching, or so bad it's good. It's just really fuckin' bad. I gave it two stars because the effects department tried, they really did, for over half the film. They did finally give up at one point, though, so two stars is all they get.

Final judgment: "We gotta shoot it in the butt."