Lornographic Material

Have you ever met someone whom you wanted to thunder-punch in the goddamn face even though you have no inkling of their true personality? There's just something about them that irks you and makes you prone to violence, and you'd like nothing more than to cave their cocksucker in? That's Nick Dunne, the douchepickle of GONE GIRL. Even before it's revealed that Nick is an asshole of the highest order, I fucking loathed him. And he's the "good guy" here.

Now we move on to Amy Dunne, who's first presented to us as a hyper-active valley girl that would like nothing more than to be the good wife. Later facts obliterate this image, and you spend a great majority of your time wanting to strangle Amy with Nick's penis. This is our antagonist.

Oh yeah, spoilers and shit. Whatever. This book has no redeeming qualities, so I revel in the fact that I'm giving away certain plot elements.

I love reading about horrible people. I really do. Believe me. Please, trust me on this. But I love reading about horrible people that end up getting their just desserts. That does not happen here. The ending (if you can call it that) is the most lackluster pile of literary refuse since the invention of paper. There's absolutely no goddamn payoff, no climax, not even a stank fart directed toward our villain. She prances away, hair bouncing, rubbing her belly - the proud Momma she now is. I've never wished violence on a woman, real or fictional, and I still don't. But the least the author could have done is throw this crazy lady in jail. Something. Any-goddamn-thing! For the love of Tom Cruise, she even ends the book with a flippant bit of bullshit that goes a little something like this: "I have nothing more to add. I just had to have the final word." I almost threw my motherfucking hardcover, but there was a sweet old lady sitting across from me (I finished this book while at the library today) and I would have caved her head in, had I Randy Johnson-ed that pile of offal her way. I was that pissed.

The book is well-written, which is to say it's readable, hence the two stars instead of a single ball of gas, but that's about it. There's one shocking moment throughout the entire book, and it's at roughly the halfway mark: the section that starts Part Two. Up until that moment, I thought Amy Dunne was dead. After that, the book became plodding and predictable. A character is reintroduced and you know exactly how this is going to turn out. Ray Charles could have seen the "twist" coming. So, not only does this novel not end, the big reveal is phoned in fifty pages too soon.

In summation: This book can lick my chubby ass after I've had a day at the gym. A great many friends of mine whose opinions I respect found this book amazing. I don't respect their opinions any less, but GONE GIRL simply was not for me. I wouldn't recommend this novel to my worst enemy, and wish to have the memory of reading it erased from my mind.