Lornographic Material

After having a zombie/fantasy indie author send me a review request with the opener "Someone who reviewed something of mine thought you would love my book!", I thought I would post a list of instructions for indies who feel the need to send review requests to people they do not know. Namely, me.

1. Be polite. If someone sent you, don't be vague. I'm sure they wouldn't mind you dropping their online persona or first name in the email. When you don't, I automatically believe that you've made up this "someone" in an attempt to guilt trip me into reading your book. Since I literally do not know anyone who has read your books (at least not on Goodreads, because I checked), I'm assuming this is the case.

2. Do your research. I don't read fantasy or zombie books on the reg. Not a fan, sorry. I even stopped watching Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead over a year ago. When I do read zombie and/or fantasy fiction, I usually hate it. I'm not the guy you want reviewing your undead hunt for the one ring beyond the north wall of Narnia.

3. I don't take review requests. I request books for review from websites like Netgalley, Edelweiss, and Blogging for Books. There is a subtle difference. Mainly, I go looking for books to read. They are not thrust upon me. This is a good thing for both the author and myself. This way, I don't feel obligated to read your book. When that happens, I usually dislike the book because I feel like I'm being forced to read it.

4. This one goes out specifically to the chap that emailed me this morning. For the love of the blood of sweet baby Tom Cruise, get some better cover art. Those covers, man... they're a crime against humanity. 

5. And I feel this is the most important number, the one number to rule them all! (so to speak), so listen up: I'm an author. Had you given my Goodreads account even a cursory glance, you would have seen that. If I did review your book, Amazon would likely take it down. If I love your book and review it on Goodreads, many reviewers will think I was review-swapping, or doing a friend a favor. If I review your book and don't like it, I'd be seen as elitist. You and your gaggle of besties would likely clanfuck my books with your one-star boners. 

Review etiquette isn't hard. It mainly involves research so as not to bug your potential reviewer. There are literally hundreds (maybe even thousands) of reviewers who love fantasy, zombies, and/or fantasy with zombies. Why would you even consider approaching me?

This has been a public service announcement from the letter E.

*hugs and high fives* 

(Note: This post can be shared wherever you chose as long as the original creator (Edward Lorn, that's me!) is mentioned. Reblogging is fine, as well.)